Goodbye
by CmdrLola
Summary: Young Alliance soldier J.T. Lewis is about to be deployed to Torfan, where he can finally get his revenge. Alliance policy however requires him to write one final letter.


I was sixteen years old when a force of terminus pirates attacked my home. I survived by sheer luck and a good amount of cowardice, while the attackers destroyed our house and killed my family and friends.

Even two years later, I can still remember the evil grin on the Batarian's face when he found me under the pile of rubble I had hidden in. I still feel his fingers piercing into my cheeks, when he cupped my chin and pulled my face closer to his own, scanning my features with his four jet black eyes. And, most of all, I remember the terror that washed over me when I saw little Norah Matthews in the corner of my eye, trying to hide just a few meters to my right. I tried my best to not look in her direction when the Batarian dragged me away, hoping they might not find her, hoping she might stay hidden, she might survive.

Yeah, I was naive like that.

Who am I? Oh gosh, I absolutely forgot to introduce myself, didn't I? Just started talking about the most terrifying story of my life without even letting you know why. I'm really sorry about this.

Let me start again:

My name is John Theodore Lewis, you can call me JT or just Lewis, whatever feels more comfortable to you. I was born eighteen years ago on a lazy summer's day in August as the second son to Jeremy and Mona Lewis, 22nd August 2160 to be precise. The first child to be born in the newfound colony Illyria on Elysium, which is the second Planet orbiting Vetus in the Petra Nebula. But you already knew that, didn't you?

As I grew up, Illyria grew with me and soon became the capitol of Elysium's government and trade. Since the planet's climate is mild and accommodating and we can offer sandy beaches in the summer as well as snowy mountains in the winters, Elysium is humanities No.1 holiday destination.

Well, at least it was until the attack two years ago.

That day I thought I would die, just like my parents and my brother, our neighbours including the 12-year-old Norah, most of my friends and their families, the guy who sold maps to the tourists on the corner of the street and so many others.

People who were stronger, smarter and braver than me Most likely they were prettier too. Soldiers, policemen and civilians who fought to defend our homes. I felt bad for surviving when all those people died. Guilty even for not dying with them or instead of them.

How did I survive you ask? I honestly don't know. All I could do was to keep my head down and hide in the rubble of what used to be an apartment building. I didn't dare to move and prayed silent prayers to any entity known to mankind, ha, I think I even prayed to some Asari goddess I once or twice heard the beautiful aliens refer to.

I remember how I would get really nervous and excited when one of those blue beauties entered my families bar and grill down at the corner Terra Lane and 2nd Street, the "Lewis'". Oh, I fantasised about those lovely creatures more than once in my lonely teenage nights and to be perfectly honest with you, I still do. I envy every man, woman and alien who gets to spend a night with one of those blue angels.

Pretty much like any other guy my age I guess.

But enough of that, that's not why I'm writing this down. See, the thing is, that after what happened on Elysium in the summer of 2176, I decided that I had to give something back. To make up for not dying that day, to thank the men and women who saved my sorry ass at the expenses of their own, to get revenge for what those bastards did to my family and friends, to Norah. She was just a kid, dammit!

Sorry, I didn't mean to swear. It's just...it's just not fair.

Gosh, that sounds stupid.

Anyway, where was I? Right, my surviving this hell. Yeah, well like I said earlier, I got lucky. The Batarian who had found me in my not-so-great hide-out was dragging me down the road by the collar when suddenly he stopped and dropped to the ground.

Dead. Just like that.

I didn't understand what was going on and just lay there with him until someone tugged my arm pulling me up to my feet.

"MOVE!" he shouted and shoved me into a nearby building.

"Don't just stand around, keep on going", he said and I followed him through the half destroyed building, stumbling over my own feet every other step. After a while he came to a halt and looked around searching for I-don't-know-what.

"You know how to use a gun?" he asked, not daring to hope. I shook my head no. At least I think I did, because I remember him sighing at my reaction.

"What's your name?"

"John", I said and he smiled for a second.

"Me, too. John Shepard."

"Lewis", I said.

"OK, how old are you?"

"Sixteen", I said and he sighed again.

"All right, Johnny. Can I call you Johnny?"

"JT", I said and he just nodded.

"Listen to me, JT", he said and I raised my head to meet his eyes, they were a greyish blue or a blueish grey. I couldn't tell in twilight of the room. The only light came from the cracks and holes in the walls.

"I know this is scary. I have been where you are now. I was just about your age when slavers attacked my home colony." For a few seconds there was a pained expression on his face before he shook it off and continued talking.

"So, I know what you are going through right now. But I need you to listen to me carefully and do exactly what I tell you. Do you understand?" I nodded and he nodded back.

"They have breached the city walls and I don't think that there is enough of us left to hold them back much longer. I will do what I can to stall them and hopefully the Alliance reinforcements get here before we go down but I won't lie to you, it looks really bad right now." Why did he tell me that? It made no sense, it wasn't helping but he kept going.

"I want you to stay here and keep low. Don't try to run and don't make a sound. No matter what you hear don't come out until we get you. Can you do that for me?" I nodded.

"OK, go down there." Saying that he shoved me down what once used to be a staircase and rolled some debris in front of it, concealing me even more.

"Please survive", I heard him say in a low voice not sure if he was speaking to me or to himself.

I just nodded in the darkness.

I don't know how much time had passed before I saw him again. Some other Soldiers got me out of my hiding place and escorted me out of the building. I remember how the sun stung in my eyes when I got into the light. I was brought to a shuttle and was about to board, when I heard someone calling my name and turned my head. There he was, John f*cking Shepard, still alive and kicking. Grinning sheepishly and giving me the thumbs up while a medic was trying to tend to his injuries. It was only when I returned his greeting, that he finally laid down on the stretcher and let the woman do her job. I stood at the shuttle door and watched the scene, trying to figure out why HE would give ME a thumbs up.

What had I done to deserve it?

All I had done was to hide, while he fought and got himself injured.

Why was HE thanking ME?

I didn't realise that I had started to cry until someone handed me a handkerchief and even then I needed a while to understand. Bewildered at first, I looked at the clean white piece of cloth, not understanding how it could still be so clean after all that had happened.

Well, now you know how I survived the destroying of what had been my home and life for sixteen years. I guess you wonder why I am telling you all this. It's okay. I know it's my fault for not making it clear at the beginning of all this, but I hope you can forgive me because this is the first time, that I am doing something like this.

See, the thing is that after Elysium I was homeless and orphaned and all in all in a really bad place, like so many other Elysians. I was traumatised, injured and dehydrated, so the Alliance kind of took me in. They gave me food, water and a home, treated my physical and psychological injuries and gave me something that resembled a normal life. I got to finish high school and get my diploma, made a few new friends and even had a girlfriend but that didn't work out so well.

Like I said, I was in a bad place and I guess that freaked her out. I get it, I really understand that she couldn't be with me, I didn't want to be with me either.

Anyway, where was...right...orphan me spent the following years in care of the Systems Alliance and since that kind of worked out so far and I am still grateful and all, I enlisted as soon as I was allowed to.

Now, I am eighteen years old and they want me to write one of those awful letters they'll give your family in case, you know, you don't make it back. They tell touch to write down everything you want your folks to know. How much you love them and how blessed you were to know them and who gets your collection of model ships. Stuff like that.

Basically, they tell you that you will be shipped out to wherever by the end of the week and that you should write your last will and testament.

Very comforting thought. Not.

I thought about it for a long time. If I should or should not write that stupid letter. I mean, who would read it anyway? There is no one left I love or care about enough to write to.

Who could I write this to?

What would I say?

I don't even have a collection of model ships to pass on to you! So, what was I supposed to do?

Stare at those white blank pages until the end of my days? Or just leave without leaving anything behind?

That was an option right? I could have written something like:

 _To whom it may concern._

 _Sorry, I have neither family nor toy ships._

 _Yours truly, JT_

Yeah.

No, in the end I couldn't because the more I thought about it, the more I got the feeling that I had something left to do. Something important.

Important to me at least, I don't know how you feel about this.

I'm sorry this is so confusing but like I said I haven't done anything like this before. I'm not sure how this is supposed to look like or sound like. I'm just trying my best to sort things out and get my story straight here and that surely isn't easy.

Did you know they give you real paper for this? I mean of course you do, I imagine you are writing your own letter right now. I wonder who you are addressing and if you find it just as difficult as I do. But then again, you are doing this job longer than me and most likely you won't be doing this for the first time. And hopefully not for the last.

If you are reading this now, then it means I am dead. And probably I didn't die of old age. I just...I wanted...I am...

Thank you for saving my life back on Elysium, Shepard. I really mean it, man. If you hadn't been where you were that day, I would have died two years ago. Or I hope I would have died, not sure if I would have wanted to be a slave or something.

Thank you for being the goddamn hero that you are and saving us all. Don't let anyone ever tell you anything different. No matter what the future brings, you will always be in the hearts, thoughts and prayers of every Elysian.

And if you play your cards right, you might even end up in a few elysian beds. Just kidding. Am I?

Thank you for keeping an eye on me for the past two years. You've been like a brother and I don't know if I could've gotten to where I am now if not for you and your patience and understanding.

Thank you for lending an ear when I needed someone to listen.

Thank you for giving me a shove when I was too afraid to move.

Thank you for everything you have done for me.

Thank you and I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I let you down. That I didn't survive this time.

I'm so, so sorry.

I'm sorry for crying right now. I know I'm messing up the paper and that the ink is running.

I'm sorry that my penmanship is the worst and you possibly can't make out a single word.

I'm sorry that I don't have a fucked up collection of fuck to leave behind.

I'm sorry for swearing.

...

This is torture. Is it meant to be torture or is there some other, greater purpose behind it?

I don't get why they want us to write all this shit down just before they send us into battle. Is it to make us realise that we are mortal?

Well thank you, I could've done without the reminder.

I had to take a brake and get out of here for a bit. So, I took a walk and I came by this store on the upper deck. You know that one where the tourists buy all those crappy souvenirs? Those "My daddy went to Arcturus Station and all I got was this lousy T-shirt" and such?

Honestly, they literally tell them that it's a crap present, why do they still buy this stuff? I don't get it.

Anyways, that's the shop I'm talking about and I don't know why I walked in there. Maybe something caught my eye?

While I was roaming the aisles, I suddenly found myself standing in front of a shelf with the most exquisite liquor. Still wondering that they would sell this stuff in a souvenir shop, I grabbed a bottle of the most expensive brandy they had. Which is, you guessed right, Serrice Ice Brandy.

1000, in words one thousand, credits! That's two-thirds of my monthly pay! Can you believe that? While I am standing there and thinking about the absurdity of this, I hear a child whining about some toy that she wants and I turn around. There is this kid, maybe four or five years old begging her mom to buy her guess what! Right, a model ship!

I am not entirely sure how it happened but I remember walking over to the girl and her mother, bottle still in hand. I remember touching a miniature spacecraft and asking the kid which one she thought would make the best present. She looks at me shyly and then points to a model of the F-61 Trident. I smile at her and her mother gives me an odd look.

"My daddy has one of those. But his is bigger." I look at her little face and then up to her mom.

"My husband's with the Alliance. He's a pilot." She explains and smiles.

"She must have gotten her love for ships from her father then." I smile back and show the kid another, bigger model.

"That's the ship I am working on." I tell her pointing at a mini version of the SSV Everest and her eyes get huge.

"It's so big." She exclaims and I laugh.

"Do you think that would make a better present?" She just nods unable to take her eyes of the Everest. So I grab the mini Everest AND the Trident and had to the counter, the kid behind me panicking while I pay for all three items and leave the shop.

Don't worry, I am not a monster. I waited in front of the shop for the kid and her mom to finally come out.

The girl is crying about how badly she wants that toy, when she sees me and suddenly stops. I can tell by the look on her face that she hates me, she doesn't have to tell me. She does it anyway, her mom glaring at me. I just smile.

"Too bad, here I was thinking we could be friends." I tell her and offer the Everest model. Her eyes become huge again. Tears still running down her face, she asks me if she really can have the ship.

"Yeah, who do you think I bought it for?" I say.

"For yourself?"

"Who buys gifts for themselves?"

She shrugs her tiny shoulders.

"Why?" her mother asks.

"So she will remember me." I tell them.

"I am shipping out tomorrow." The woman nods and then gently touches her daughters shoulder.

"Don't you want to ask your new friend's name?" She encourages her and the kid nods.

"My name is John Theodore Lewis, but my friends call me JT." I tell her.

"Can I call you JT, John Theodore Lewis?" I have to smile at the question and nod.

"Sure, we are friends now, right?" She nods energetically, her ponytail bouncing wildly.

"Yes, we are, JT! My name is Lina. Nice to meet you." We shake hands, now officially friends I present her the toy ship again.

"I want to give this to you, Lina." I say. "Because you are such a great friend and I hope will stay friends for a long time." She takes the ship out of my hands and nods in agreement.

"We will be friends forever, JT." She tells me and I can feel the tears swelling in my eyes.

"Thank you, JT." She gives me a sign to stoop down to her height and when I do she leans in and gives me a small peck on the cheek.

"Be save." She tells me and I turn away, so she doesn't see the tears rolling down my cheeks.

Her mother understands and tells Lina that they have to get going. We say a short goodbye and I watch my new friend leave me for good.

"JT is my favourite boyfriend, now." Lina tells her mom, just before they are out of hearing range.

So, what I am trying to tell you here is two things:

I just spend 1250 credits in a souvenir shop!

I have a girlfriend. Her name is Lina and she will remember me forever.

And with that said, there is only one thing left to do, before I'm deployed to wherever the bastards that destroyed my home are hiding. I can't believe we finally got them. After all these years. So let's get this wrapped up and back to killing Batarian slavers and filthy pirate scum.

To you, John Shepard, my best friend and brother, my saviour and superior officer, my role model and mentor, I leave half of my model ship collection and a bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy.

I hope you can forgive me that I died and that you will remember me as a friend.

If you should ever find out Lina's last name, please contact her and tell her that I'm sorry for being such a lousy boyfriend and that I really enjoyed our time together.

Yours truly,

John Theodore Lewis


End file.
